I think you already know this, but Becky and I loved all of our visits to Hawaii.
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| The honeymooning couple. |
The aloha spirit and the culture. The dramatic scenery. The extraordinary landscapes. The diverse beaches. The wildlife and biodiversity (90 percent of Hawaii's native species exist nowhere else on earth). The year-round tropical climate. The multicultural cuisine. As I said, we loved being in the islands.
I recall watching the sunset with Becky one lovely evening in Waikiki. Becky always said that it's only after the sunset that the magnificence appears, as the colors glow and the light changes.
Neither she nor I had any idea of how true that would become after her death. Becky was my partner, my spouse, my beloved wife, my best friend, my sister in Christ, with whom I'd gone through many struggles. Now she was gone. As she passed from this world to the next, I watched the sun as it dropped behind the distant horizon until it disappeared. Slowly the last tiny shimmer of light vanished. But then came the glow. God's love and peace poured into me like the pinks and grays of a darkening horizon, all so delicate and beautiful, just as it had appeared to Becky and me as we watched the golden globe drop behind the sea. There's still grief, of course. On days like today I want to reach for my phone and tell Becky how I'm feeling and how much I miss her. Only she would truly understand. I know I could tell her anything I was feeling and that she would express love and support. But alas, Team D & B is no more. I was once half of a complete team. Now I'm on my own.
Every day I recognize I have choices. Not every widower has the opportunities or the good health I have to go on looking for new avenues of loving and serving. In the meantime, I don't want to lose any of Becky. I don't want to "get over" my deep sense of loss. Instead, I want to build those memories (like watching the sunset together) into my everyday life, helping me to become a stronger and more compassionate person.
Even after the light has faded into darkness, I am happy to breathe in the cool night air. I am content and happy to be alone.