Most of us in our years of walking with the Lord know that he blesses times of great weakness with great favor. This includes our doubts -- those times when we second guess God about his will for our lives. If you've ever carried out his will and his work in your life in the midst of great weakness and self-doubt, you've seen him come through in amazing ways.
Sometimes this kind of self-doubt is called "imposter syndrome." Imposter syndrome is an experience when people doubt their skills and accomplishments. They feel like a fraud despite evidence of their competence. The result can be a persistent sense of self-doubt. You feel like an imposter even though you're achieving real success.
Some of you reading this know what it's like to suffer from self-doubt. I do too. I was a terrible student in high school. I used to blame that on the school system. Not anymore. I was simply a teen without any academic drive who'd rather ride waves than wrestle with English, algebra, or biology. When I began my studies at Biola and Talbot, I felt it was only a matter of time before the school would weed out a lazy and inept student like me. Nothing came "naturally" to me, including foreign languages. Today I might be able to speak a handful of them, but it's not because I have any level of language aptitude. I've simply been blessed with a fairly good memory. When, at the age of 24, I was asked to teach Greek at Biola, it came as a total and complete surprise. "I'm sorry? You talking to me?" For some crazy reason I said yes. I knew, if nothing else, it would be a magnificent opportunity to sit under the tutelage of a truly great Christian man and Greek scholar named Harry Sturz, a man who knew his craft backwards and forwards and knew how to teach it to others. For a long time I had respected him from a distance, but now I would get to know him face to face. I have to tell you, it was the turning point of my life.
As a teacher, I've always been my own harshest critic, even when others had a much more positive view. At some point I had to honestly decide for myself if I was going to be happy for the rest of my life, day in and day out, for years to come, teaching Greek. Thankfully, God graciously showed me that I was in the right place, doing the right thing. That was a wake up call. I remember sitting for my orals in Basel at the end of my doctoral studies. To this day I shudder when I realize that these men could have shredded me. But they were full of grace. After the exam, I can recall them shaking my hand and one by one heartily congratulating me and wishing me a happy career as a Greek professor. I'm still pinching myself.
Richard Halverson left his longtime pastorate of Fourth Street Presbyterian Church in Bethesda, Maryland, to become the chaplain of the U.S. Senate.
In his words, he felt completely inadequate. He felt like he was a nobody among the members of congress. He said he felt like a "mascot" to some of the most powerful political leaders in the world. He wondered, "What in the world am I doing here?" One evening he was reading the words of Jesus, "All authority has been given to me in heaven and on earth.... Surely I am with you each and every day until the end of the age." He says that as he meditated on those words, he realized that he was a garment that Jesus wore everyday to do what he wanted to do in the United States Senate. "I don't need power," said Halverson. "My weakness is an asset. If Christ is in me, what more do I need?"
I hope, by the grace of God, the Lord will allow me many more years to do what I love. That's in his hands. Meanwhile, I want all of you who have taken me for Greek, whether in person or via my Youtube videos, to know that the greatest privilege of my life has been to be your teacher. The greatest privilege.