Half a century ago today I married Becky Lynn Lapsley in a delightful ceremony at her home church in Dallas, Texas. The next day we were on our way to Hawaii. For 37 years we lived an adventure that could only have been crafted in heaven. Our marriage was beautifully flawed and deeply fulfilling. It was impossible to imagine that a quiet illness would steal Becky away before 40 years had even passed.
If you've ever lost the one you were married to, you know that grieving is a disorderly process. You wish you could control or even schedule it, but you can't. Grief is not a highway but an orbit. You keep passing the same heavy star. The days go too fast -- or too slow. The future is hard to envision. You find yourself easily distracted or even disoriented.
When I lost my bride to cancer 13 years ago, I learned that not only was God offering me the gift of grieving, but he was also granting me an opportunity to claim one of the greatest treasures a believer can possess -- the doctrine of the providence of God. The Christian cannot live a day without it. And when you keep it at the forefront of your mind, it makes a difference every moment for the rest of your life.
Theologians tell us what God's providence is. It is his timely provision for all of our needs. It is his purposeful intervention in our lives. It is his love and watchcare over every minute we are alive. It is the carrying out of a plan that is never frustrated, a purpose that will never go unfulfilled. No matter what happens to us, God's plan is unfolding precisely as he has arranged it in flawless precision.
When sufferers embrace the providence of God, they come to realize that there is a plan that is above and beyond what happened to them. God knows it all and always has. Nothing is a surprise to him. He has a bigger and better plan than we are able to grasp at the moment. He knows exactly what he's doing. This means that life is not chance. It's not blind fate. Life is his project, not ours. We are the instruments, not the composer. And so every experience you and I will ever have, God can sovereignly use for our good. He directs. He allows. He permits. He releases. How invaluable is that truth? Don't argue with it. Don't fight it. Accept it. Take it seriously.
Will the grief ever go away? Yes, but not before instructing us. I love the words of Nancy Guthrie in her book Holding on to Hope:
"And so it is in our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God's character and reach a new understanding of Him that we could not have known without loss. He is acquainted with grief. He understands. He's not trying to rush us through our sadness. He's sad with us."
God does not want me to forget my past with Becky. He doesn't want me to forget all the good times we enjoyed together. He does not ask me to forget the 37 delightful, at times difficult, years of marriage. At the same time, the believer can experience a new life while constructing memories for himself of his past life with his loved one.
Today the emotional energy I once invested in Becky is being poured into my children and grandchildren. As I have done this, the pain has subsided. I know that the ache in my heart will never go away completely. Some scars do not heal; they learn to hum a quiet hymn. But because of the providence of God, hope has replaced despair. There are more smiles than there are frowns. Every day I am finding something new to be thankful for. And because both she and I are believers in Jesus Christ, I look forward to being reunited again someday.
Below: Pictures of Becky. She was breathtakingly beautiful inside and out.
Happy 50th Anniversary to the love of my life. Only the Lord could have given me a wife as wonderful as you. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I love you.